i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
