When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
