Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
