dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
