I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize