if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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