She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
