Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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