Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
