he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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