I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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