I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
