I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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