my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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