last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
