why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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