If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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