So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
