My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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