If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I believe in your delicious
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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