Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
