The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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