K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
