if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
