so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
