some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
