ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
