If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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