My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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