i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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