I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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