dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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