maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
