I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
