3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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