She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
