Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
