Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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