Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
is wine microwaveable?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
