I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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