I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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