I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
