I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
