Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
