Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
