so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
