Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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