I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
