Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I could make wine with my vomit
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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