you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
