My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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