Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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