Cold hands, warm shart.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
