i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize