Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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