that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
